Halloween is just around the corner, and I know you'll all thank me for giving you a recap of these rules (and a heads up that this might be the year that the undead come to shake things up and generally wreak havoc), so that you can live to survive another day. So without further ado (time is tissue), here are the rules of Zombieland - learn them, live them, respect them.
RULE #1 - CARDIO
Now we're not saying skinny = fit, not by any stretch of the imagination, so whatever your size, genetic makeup or natural athletic ability, now's the time to start getting fit and build up your stamina because you're going to need it to run rings around these stupid things.
RULE #2 - DOUBLE TAP
Ok, so we don't have guns here, but this rule still applies. Don't be the dumbass that hits a zombie once in the face, then walks right by their outstretched arm, only to be grabbed by not-quite-dead-undead zombie and eaten alive. Mistakes cost lives. Double tab that walker with whatever weapon you have. Make sure they're dead. Destroy the brain.
RULE #3 - BEWARE OF BATHROOMS
You should beware them in general, but especially when there are zombie hordes lurking. Remember, bathrooms typically have very small windows that are almost impossible to get out of (have you seen Zack Snyder's Dawn of the Dead?), so cubicle = cornered. Don't do it - go in public, use the facili-trees if you have to.
RULE #3 - SEATBELTS
Safety first - it's what every almost-survivor forgets. They get so caught up in the adrenaline-fuelled action that they forget the simplest things. You're not going to be able to defend yourself from the undead when you're splayed out on the road now, are you?
RULE #5 - NO ATTACHMENTS
It's statistically proven that people without close family members or friends last longer in a zombie apocalypse, this is mainly because they don't have to think about anyone other than themselves. Self-preservation is key. The minute you start trying to save other people, that's when you make stupid decisions and end up risking your own life. Sad but true.
RULE #7 - TRAVEL LIGHT
Chances are, when the hordes attack, you're not going to have time to pack all of your treasured possessions to take with you, so learn to travel light - ideally taking nothing at all. Get practicing now, detach yourself from material possessions, then it will come as less of a shock when you're on the road with just a flashlight and a baseball bat to keep you company. Depressing but entirely possible.
RULE #17 - DON'T BE A HERO
At least, not unless you're willing to die for it. This one's all about picking your battles. If a zombie is about to eat the only friend you have left in the world and you can't imagine life without them, then THAT'S when you go for it - be the hero you've always dreamed of, and risk going out with a 'bang'!
RULE #18 - LIMBER UP
This kind of goes hand in hand with rule #1 - you wouldn't run a race without limbering up first, so how do you expect to out-run a horde of hungry zombies for several miles? Whenever you get a few quiet moments (which are few and far between in the zombie apocalypse), stretch your limbs and mentally prepare yourself for what may lie ahead...
RULE #22 ALWAYS KNOW YOUR WAY OUT
Trust me when I say 'smart people survive longer' - you know why that is? Because they plan ahead - they keep their cool and look for signs and opportunities when others are in a state of panic. By quickly checking your suroundings and planning a way out, you hopefully won't be caught short if an unexpected guest arrives *gulp*
RULE #31 - CHECK THE BACKSEAT
If there's one thing to learn from horror movies it's 'check the backseat' - this can be extended to checking the following areas too: under the bed, behind the door, behind the shower curtain - basically open plan with plenty of windows and open space is the way to go. Don't let the fear of finding something put you in danger. Chances are, you're going to be in a lot of cars (to get to where you want to go), so don't let the sly suckers catch you out.
RULE #32 - ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS
Finally, one of the most important rules - 'enjoy the little things'. What's the point in fighting bloody battles with the undead if you're not going to enjoy what you have at the end of it? So swing from the Chandelier of the mansion you just broke into, go Skinnydipping in the river like you've always wanted to, or just eat as many Twinkies as you like (without someone nagging at you for being 'unhealthy') - now's the time to enjoy life while you still can!